I'm not just a regular mom - I'm a cool mom

Do you remember the moment it hit you, that you were a mother?

I mean yes the whole hospital thing that was kind of a big reality check about becoming a parent. But I mean really hit home.

I went to get my eye brows done... The little sweet ol threading wizard of a lady said to me in a thick accent "you no more big bump - you loose weight" Dawl, why thank you Kim. I'm fat but that was baby fat I'm a mom. "<awkward laugh> I just had my son last month". Holy shit. I'm a mom. I have a son. OH MY GOD. I felt like I needed photos in my wallet to present. Instead I think I showed her half a album off my phone. 

That was when it really got real for me. Actually saying the words, "my son" & it not being in the usual witty manner I was used to *Newfoundland Slang* was the beginning of me feeling like a mom. 

 ^^ always a great mean girl reference^^

When we had our family / Newborn photos done it struck me again. I was a ball of anxiety at the time. Truthfully, I was anxious with him out in public up until he was about 10months old and it finally left. I still get over come sometimes in public but I've learned to not be as paranoid. My gf had to persuade into actually going in the first place, which I am glad she did. We had a wonderful photographer, I went to middle school with her so i was a little more comfortable & laid back. 

Started out mom + dad + baby, mom + baby, dad baby you get the idea. 15 minutes in my child starts to cry & my anxiety slowly starts to rise. I started to nurse him in hopes he was hungry & would peacefully and quickly fall asleep. Hoping she could capture some Ann Geades doll moment of my sweet angel. NEWP. Wasn't happening. 35mins in now. We had the heater on, I was feeding him, burping him, rocking. Even the photographer took a swing at burping and coddling, he was not interested in it. 

Finally we gave up and decided to strip him down & grab a few cute bare bottom shots & swaddle him in a wrap propped up in a basket. We quickly found out why he wouldn't sleep. The photog swaddled him all  cozy, propped him and his little legs in the basket, then it happened. Skipper took a big, dirty, wet newborn baby green, crap in this lady's expensive muslin wrap. 

Husband laughed as he was urging walking out the door, photog laughed as she started to unswaddle him and go for wipes, and I sat there on my knees, white with embarrassment. It was at this time I had another "holy shit I'm a mom" moment. This is going to be a go to story for whenever he has a gf over and I want to embarrass him!. 

I don't think I apologized enough or offered anyone so much money in all my life. I quickly put a fresh diaper on him and packed up to head home.

We ended up with a few 20 odd photos, she offered us to come back & reschedule. But there was no way in hell I was going to attempt that again. My gf who convinced me to go, haggled for me to go back but it wasn't happening. 

Looking back, I do & do not regret not getting more newborn photos done of him. But there are only so many crochet hats, pillows & props you can use before it takes the attention off the child & just becomes tacky, in my humble opinion. 

However, I am certainly making up for the professional photos now. Every holiday we've booked a "mini session". Even a milestone 6 month shoot equipped with a cupcake smash. All the while a professional grade camera & the 3 lens, I practically begged for a few christmas' ago, lay in my spare room collecting dust. 

ox

OPM

Let me take an ELFIE ( & flush him down a toilet with marshmallows)

The stores are starting to finally fill with beautiful holiday goodies. And it is a constant struggle for me not to buy one of everything whenever we go in a store. Even Canadian Tire! Like seriously, it must be the only time of year wives are wandering the isles of that place.

So this will be Skippers 2nd Christmas. My family has many traditions. Typical Christmas Eve  things, open one gift the night before, 9/10 it ended up being jammies & a movie. Put cookies out for the fat guy and so on. Last year we spent the holidays at my in laws & I got to experience their traditions. Some I thought were completely weird (opened all their gifts the night before?!) & others I was like ok this is sweet. 

Now that I have my own family, I'm starting to look for new traditions for us to start & call our own. It has taken all that is in me NOT to buy a damned elf on the shelf. I feel pressured by Facebook & my other lover, Pinterest to get one. But really, my son is too young yet & let's be honest the elves are creepy as hell. The whole concept behind them is twisted. I would absolutely threaten the thing on him, getting out of hand, jumping on the couch? "The elf is watching!!!" 

He's called "The Elf on the Shelf" right?  Not " The Elf who Takes Bubble Baths" or "The Elf Who Plays Poker With Barbie".  Can we collectively agree to leave him on the shelf? I already deal enough Mom Guilt - I can't handle the pressure of finding a new & awesome Elf Scenario for 24 nights.

Really though - I know I'm going to fall victim & end up buying an Everette Evergreen Elf next year. I'm just not ready to accept the fact. 

ox

OPM

A shower with the door closed,..

I have managed to score a migraine for the past couple days. My first experience really, being a sick momma. I am proud to say that I am not handling it with very much grace. My hat is off to those moms of multiples who are fighting a flu! 

Since my son, I have a whole new appreciation for the little things in my life. Little things that are now luxuries. Such as, actually being able to blow dry my hair or enjoy a hot mug of tea. My kettle is boiled every few hours with the hopes of a brew, when the mug never actually makes it out of the cupboard. I get so distracted in those three minutes of boiling time & forget all about it. 

Who are these mothers with the freakishly clean homes & perfectly groomed eyebrows. Where are you mommas?! Share some of your secrets & dark magic with the rest of us. 

ox

OPM

Hello? Yes, I'm here.

Remember the days of 2 hour gossip sessions on the phone with your BFF? You know talking about the night before and who hooked up with who and who was wearing what. Or even watch a tv show together? I am guilty of watching many "The Bachelor" episodes with my bestie in Newfoundland. 

Well, these days are now ancient history. Or at least I'm assuming so. For my mommy friends who have kids I don't feel so bad talking to them, it's really refreshing when they have to drop the phone & run while screaming "don't you out that in your mouth!" or some other routine ask of a child. You know "leave the dog alone" "get off of that!" "here take this go sit down mommy is on the phone with auntie" & my personal fav & most used lately "OMFG -what?!" 

It's the convos with non parent friends I am most dreadful of lately. To truly expect a meaningful conversation with an exploring toddler in the middle of the day is impossible. Usually starts out as a FB wall post or a txt "hey, let's have a phone date!" Before I can even reply with a nap schedule the phone is ringing. 

Well here we go. Que the circus music. My hands are normally mid elbow deep in the sink washing dishes, so the inaugural "balance this cordless on your shoulder" mom move is out in full force. I usually get a solid 5-10min chat in before my child spy's me from the living room and makes a B-line for my pants leg. What started out as a lets plan your wedding chat has now quickly turned into a " let's pretend I'm listening about your wedding planning while I wrangle my baby off the back of the couch" chat. 

Oh & along with sounding like someone who's having a massive turret attack. It will truly be a miracle of my son doesn't grow up thinking his name is "jumpins" or "holy crap". You know, "Holy crap, give that up, get down!". Yes I am blessed with a climber. 

I've come to realize that my best form of communication to my childless friends, at this point in time is Facebook or texting. I've given up on actual phone conversations all together. Just to avoid sounding like a crazy woman. 

ox

OPM

Hair go down the Drain-Oh ... EI EI OH

No one told me after you have a baby you shed for basically a year.

(Just gonna put this here 

http://www.atypicalenglishhome.com/2013/07/how-to-clean-hair-brushes-and-combs.html?m=1 ) 

Heightened estrogen levels during pregnancy help with that luscious mane of thick glorious hair you rocked. Now the levels have dropped... time to go back to normal. I'm going to assume that is part of the reason most mommas go for a short 'do. Along with he fact short hair is easier to maintain. 

I have a "round" face according to every makeup tutorial I've take so short hair really isn't my fave look to sport. 

When I found out I was having a baby I stopped dying my hair just out of personal choice. I really lucked out because ombré just started becoming a big thing. Now I'm about 4" away from having an àunatural head of hair since grade 5. 

Not having damaged hair has taken some getting used to. I've dyed my hair blonde for so many years and really liked the texture it had became and how easy it was to style. 

 Ever see that girl on YouTube & then Ellen,  curl her hair only to have the curl burn off? (See HERE http://youtu.be/uQVo1djX_xE ) Yeah I've done that... several times now. And have since turned the heat setting to it's lowest. And yes - it stinks to the high heavens. 

My hair is super fine so the "new product line up journey" was a long one - filled with multiple experiment shampoos, treatments and yes even a pin or two. But, I am excited to announce this weekend I managed to find a rocking new régime! This shampoo/conditioner combo has made my hair so much more healthier in the past few days. And the texturizer, when I do actually get to dry my hair (who knew THAT would have been such a luxury?) 

If there's anyone looking for a new shampoo - conditioner I would defiantly go with this one. Also!! by far the most girly thing I have ever written or read. Oh AND stickers & glitter & kittens are awesome too ;)  

xo

OPM

UPDATE:  Couple mommas had asked what I used for mascara & eyeliner, again on that rare glorious day I do get to wear makeup. Personally - I am not a lover of the fibre lash and extension craze that is going around. I find any of the Benefit line is amazing and possibly 1/4 of the cost. 

  

I'm never going to be one of those moms...

I was never one much for following through with plans. Which is why I am not surprised why I ended up winging my birth plan and pretty much everything parenting related there on out! 

From the time I announced I was pregnant I got bombed with questions & people expecting me to know the answer. " are you getting the epidural?" "will you bottle feed" "are you finding out what you're having?" & so on & so fourth. I admit I am guilty for asking a lot of these pre parenthood questions as well. Most of the time it was out of excitement for my friend & not based on me having an opinion on the subject. I didn't even know you had to burp an infant for crying out loud!

I formed my parenting opinions & ideas from watching my friends rear their kids. I thought I had the perfect plan on how I would raise mine one day. I would never nurse, that is so wrong & just nasty. Co sleep? That's what cribs are made for, babies. What a buzz kill a kid in the middle of you and your husband. Pfft yeah right. NOT happening. Well, I have become my own hypocrite these. So many more "no way"s I had thought out in my head, I am doing. You know why, because they work for me & my husband. Not because I read it somewhere, not because another mom told me.

The first night home on our own was the longest most frightening night ever. Mothers, aunts &  friends offering advice on the do's & do nots of how to put an infant to sleep. "Don't start rocking him you'll never break him of it!" & "Oh my god no pacifier, he'll end up with buck teeth". Guess what, he fell asleep in the rocking chair while I forced him to suck on a nummy. OMG. I've scarred my child for life that's it - it's over he's going to turn to Maggie Simpson and forever be attached to his pacifier. Pfft. My son hates that piece of rubber, he has maybe taken it a handful of times since and probably only to chew on it while he's been teething. I still rock him but he's not dependant on it. I enjoy that time at he end of the night most evenings. Yes, I know most of you have a strict "no rock - no walk " sleep policy. My mother & grandmother being apart of that group.

All mommas have an opinion & most have no trouble letting you know. Some of the more loveable popular opinions I enjoy reading and being a by stander are the car seat, BF vs formula & immunization debates that happen at every single baby group/FB page/ & infant anything I happen to attend or be apart of. I am not one to voice concern of another momma bears cub - as hard as it is at times. I like to think of myself as having a laid back personality & the same laid back approach to people. You know a "whatever floats your boat" kind of thing. I only have to worry about my one & only. If your baby will self sooth and go to sleep on their own, kudos. What do you do with that awesome extra bit of "me time"? If your sweet little is dependant on a soothie & a plushie to get to sleep, that's freakin adorable. What's do they call their teddy? It's not hard ladies - just chill and encourage each other. 

Enjoy your pregnancy, listen to everyone's advice. Research options, google, post on a mommy board for advice. Take everything with a grain of salt & really do what feels right and best for you and your child. Don't ever feel judged about doing something. I realize that's easier said than done but trust me here. Everyone's child has rolled walked or crawled off something, we've all felt like letting them cry for the 10mins it's going to take to get that much needed shower. I'm sure there's a long list more of common "i am the worse mom ever" activities. 

We are all moms doing our best that we can & what works for our crazy families. Don't be so hard on yourself, you rock momma.

xo

OPM

Momsomnia | the do's & don'ts of sleep depravation

Ever get a brilliant idea late at night and just go with it? While doing my late night clean up & watching reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashians  it dawned on my that I should totally get a spray tan for halloween. Those of you who know me know exactly how this pretty much always pans out. Yet, like a cat, I keep going back. With hopes of "this time is different". 

I don't know what it is, but every show I watch (mainly SLICE or E) I get the urge to buy a tonne of fake lashes, rock a smokey eye & get a spray tan. I can't be the only one? 

So as I'm cleaning the fish bowl. WHICH is a whole other story on it's own. Side note, don't ever let someone  buy your child a beta. Who knew such a tiny fish could crap so much! We're going on a month with the little guy and I swear I've had to clean the bowl 78 times! < give or take ;) > So I'm scrubbing this beta gunk out of these colorful rocks, and I remember I have some self tanner left over from my BILs wedding this summer. Awesome. Straighten the little crap machine out back in his bowl again in hopes tomorrow morning he'll be floating on top and I headed to the bathroom.

11pm, the house is cleaned, hubby and baby are sound asleep none the wiser of what is about to go down. Why not crack a bottle of wine and enjoy a bubble bath. A good exfoliate before Operation: Hollywood Scarlett. 

I've read the labels and no where on these bottles do they state "do not apply after shave". 

So I'm all sprayed and admiring my mom-on-a-budget self tan at home. Wondering how long it'll last for this time. Then I hear it, I hear my child stir in his bed. 20 more minutes God that's al I'm asking for 20 mins of drying time. Newp. Nope. Nodda.not happening. He is now standing in his crib looking around almost fully awake. Being the self proclaimed Mommy McGuyver that I am - I began to dry myself with the hair dryer hoping he would just settle himself again and the world would be at peace.

 It was working! He plopped back on his tummy and settled in for the rest of the night. Until I dropped the hair dryer in the sink and the dog lost his marbles. We are fairly certain our dog is a meth head reincarnated as a Black Lab,... so paranoid. 

So, I just got in bed after rocking our child to sleep. Now I am praying to the Self Tanner Gods that the hair dryer thing worked & that my offspring will not have half a head of orange in the morning. 

xo

OPM